I’ve been descently open about my struggles with mental health and chronic pain for a number of years now in hopes that it helps other people struggling with similar issues feel less alone, find things that help them heal, grow and cope with what they can’t heal fully from but I wanted to take some time to discuss one of the hardest battles I have continued to face in my life and that is my battle with trauma and CPTSD or complex PTSD.
Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) is a mental health condition that can develop from prolonged, repeated trauma. It’s characterized by the core symptoms of PTSD (re-experiencing, avoidance, arousal/reactivity, negative cognitions and mood) along with additional difficulties in emotional regulation, identity, and relationships.
Key differences from PTSD:
- Nature of Trauma:CPTSD typically arises from long-term, repeated trauma, often involving interpersonal relationships, such as childhood abuse or neglect, domestic violence, or captivity. PTSD can result from a single traumatic event.
- Impact on Self:CPTSD can lead to a distorted sense of self, including feelings of worthlessness, shame, and guilt, and difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships.
- Emotional Regulation:Individuals with CPTSD often experience challenges in regulating their emotions, leading to intense emotional reactions, self-harm, or suicidal thoughts.
- Dissociation:Dissociation, a feeling of detachment from one’s body or surroundings, is also more common in CPTSD.
Symptoms of CPTSD:
- Core PTSD Symptoms:
- Re-experiencing: Intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, or nightmares related to the trauma.
- Avoidance: Efforts to avoid reminders of the trauma, including places, people, or activities.
- Arousal and Reactivity: Being easily startled, having difficulty sleeping, or feeling constantly on edge.
- Negative Cognitions and Mood: Persistent negative beliefs about oneself or the world, difficulty experiencing positive emotions.
- Additional CPTSD Symptoms:
- Disturbances in Self-Organization: Difficulty regulating emotions, negative self-concept, and problems with relationships.
- Emotional Dysregulation: Intense emotional reactions, difficulty managing anger, anxiety, or sadness.
- Negative Self-Concept: Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, or self-blame.
- Relationship Problems: Difficulty trusting others, forming healthy attachments, or maintaining relationships.
Causes of CPTSD:
- Prolonged and Repeated Trauma: CPTSD is often linked to experiences of prolonged or repeated trauma, such as childhood abuse or neglect, domestic violence, or living in war zones.
- Interpersonal Trauma:Trauma inflicted by someone the individual trusted or relied upon is a common factor.
My story starts in Portland, Oregon, in the Spring of 1986 when my mom and grandfather were murdered by my biological dad Micheal Haynes forever changing my life as I was in the crib for it all and only 6 mo old. The sound of the gun, the smell of the gun powder were forever ingrained in my brain. No whenever I hear loud, up close gun fire, morters, etc. it messes me up. I’ve tried to expose myself to it in movies, video games, even shooting ranges with friends while they shoot their guns and can’t seem to get over the way it rattles my nerves.
Not all trauma is related to military service. Gun violence, drug abuse, DV, and many other abusive and violent situations can be seered into your mind and heart forever and your nervous system never lets go of it. It becomes a part of you, hardwired to your very DNA. You become more vigilant, aware of your surroundings, prepared for another attack. Its how we servived as a species. But surviving isn’t thriving and often the things that help us survive get in the way of us living happier, fuller, better connected lives.
Just a little something I want to say after 3 nights and getting maybe 6 hours of sleep total people need to be less ignorant about PTSD and fireworks. When I hear those morters or rockets I wake up, my adrenaline is pumping and I can’t sleep for hours. I have talked to many vets that feel the same way and I feel for them. I feel for their service animals and all animals during this time as they react with fear and anxiety when they hear these noises as well.
https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/what/fireworks_ptsd.asp
Growing up I didn’t know what was wrong with me but I had PTSD/ADHD/OCD/MDD and my parents instead of medicating me beat me and sent me to a boys home where I was molested by a woman married to the owner. I was beaten by other boys, made to do things I don’t even want to get into here but have in my books, and eventually was shipped to a Christian fascist concentration camp in Missouri called Agape Boarding School which was so infamously abusive Rolling Stone covered it when we were exposing it. We eventually shutdown Agape but it took us years and we had almost no help from authorities, the court, or the cops in fact two local cops were working at the school abusing boys and covering up for others abusing boys. Lawmakers were paid to be silent. The judge was a friend of the owner of the school so he let everyone off with misdemeanors so they could keep working with kids. So I got to open up about all my trauma only to find out the world doesn’t give a fuck, the authorities aren’t going to save you, they don’t give a damn about these kids, and I watched for years as we bled them dry of money with lawsuits and by making sure people didn’t send their kids there. But the system failed us. We had to close the school ourselves.
https://apnews.com/article/crime-stockton-missouri-education-6d4bc69348f4349249e49b3ec7c29172
After you’ve had your caretakers abuse you, ship you off, treat you like unwanted property and store you in a facility like livestock where they use you for slave labor and beat you and constantly put you down you will never be the same again. I can guarantee you that. I’m living proof. These people broke my spine and I’ve had to have two spine surgeries. I still have night terrors. I still have issues with groups, cliques, churches, religions, leadership structures and trusting authority. I’ve been in therapy almost a decade, quit drinking 7 years ago, and have been working hard on my mental health but some things are forever.
I emplore you to have more patience with people when they are “triggered” and to not use that word when it does not imply the person has a mental health issue or illness you are exasperating with your behavior. Cheapening the word “triggered” to mock people is ableist. Try to have empathy and a heart.
At this point in my life I’ve also been estranged from my son for 18 years. He will be 19 next Jan. I haven’t seen him since he was 1. I gave that woman everything. I kept her alive. She wouldn’t take her insulin while pregnant and our son was born premie beause of it. She almost killed herself several times. I saved her life. She tried to end mine several times. Once with a car I bought her and once with a big piece of glass from a mirror she broke that she tried to stab me then herself with. Her dad brought a shot gun to my face and said if I come to see my son again at their property he would shoot me. Lets just say I won’t be having anymore babies. Too many women do this to men who don’t deserve it. She cheated on me several times and then named our son after one of them thinking it was his but then I forced the paternity test.
I’m disabled. I can never afford to go to court against someone like that. Couldn’t back then. Can’t now. I don’t even drive. There are literally millions of men that are estranged from their children and nobody seems to care. Many of them would be there but they weren’t allowed to be and that pain is forever. I can’t get back those years with my son. I can’t be a dad now. I will never be a dad. I promised my mom my dead mom on her grave I would be a better dad and then was denied that ability and you know what she said to me, “Why don’t you kill me like your dad killed your mom.” I’m a better man than him but sometimes the pain is too much.
Trauma is something we all need to be more aware of in people. Its one thing to struggle and be sad or anxious but a trauma response is different.
Trauma responses vary, but common reactions include physical symptoms like rapid heart rate and shaking, cognitive difficulties such as memory problems, and emotional responses like fear, anxiety, and irritability. Some individuals may also experience social withdrawal or avoidance of trauma-related triggers. Understanding these responses is crucial for effective coping and recovery.
Common Trauma Responses:
- Physical:Rapid heart rate, difficulty breathing, muscle tension, fatigue, dizziness, headaches, gastrointestinal upset, and sleep disturbances.
- Cognitive:Memory problems (difficulty concentrating, flashbacks), confusion, disorientation, and intrusive thoughts.
- Emotional:Fear, anxiety, panic, shock, numbness, sadness, irritability, anger, guilt, shame, and feelings of detachment.
- Social:Avoidance of social situations, withdrawal, difficulty forming or maintaining relationships, and hypersensitivity to perceived threats.
The four primary trauma response types are fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.
- Fight:An individual may become aggressive or confrontational as a way to regain control or protect themselves.
- Flight:This involves attempting to escape the situation physically or emotionally, such as avoiding reminders of the trauma.
- Freeze:The body and mind may become immobilized, and the individual may feel numb or detached.
- Fawn:This involves attempting to please or appease the source of the trauma to avoid further harm, according to Happy Minds Psychology.
Further Reading:
https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/isitptsd/common_reactions.asp
Leave a comment